A day with all my girls in one way or another... wedding dress shopping and a visit from two of the Little Sisters in St Paul... The emotions run deep.

Ordinary time begins today in the Church - the 7 weeks of Easter are behind us but we continue to say "Alleluia" or how I like to write it now that I have a daughter named, "Hallel".... "Halleluia!"  I have explained probably too many times already that Susan was looking at choosing her name with the Community of the Lamb in France last August, and did not know even as she was a week away from changing her name and taking the habit...  Her amazing patron saint, St Agnes, had already been taken and none of us would have been surprised to have her little Sister Agnes, because we knew how much she thinks of her... I too have become such a huge lover of wonderful young and beautiful, St Agnes! 

Susan was in Rome and going to the many churches that are devoted to this saint or another, and at that point chose St Agnes as her future patron saint after coming to know her story... I feel that there is a huge importance to youth this day to know the story of this young beautiful and wealthy girl that lived in the 300s... many men wanted to marry her, but she had promised herself as a bride to her only love.... Christ!  Trying to break her spirit and will... they put her in a house of prostitution and she left there untouched and pure as the only man that tried to touch her was struck blind!  They then sent her to her death for her Christian faith and she went "more willingly and joyful than a bride going to her wedding"!  Knowing that soon she would be truly united with her only LOVE - Christ! 

For young  people as well as us seasoned veterans... this is such a message of hope as we are all put in a house of prostitution with all the evil influences that surround us whether a mouse click away... or more subtly with all that we see in books, magazines, TV, internet... so much to take away our purity!  We need St Agnes along with all the saints, Mary, Joseph and Jesus to protect us and keep us PURE!  WE can leave that behind right now... go to confession and make a fresh start with the help of so many!  Jesus and St Agnes... hear our heartfelt prayer for help to clear out the evil from our lives!  I know that the Little Sisters as well as our daughter and her husband have no TV or computers in their homes!  It is no secret that they can be a huge gateway to things that are not in line with our faithlife and what the Lord wants for us.  Lord help us to be wise and to be very particular about what we allow inside of our minds, spirits, and souls... the windows should be clean to let the light come pouring in!  How much better I feel when I turn off the TV and go into my bedroom to  relax and do some amazing spiritual reading!  Usually it is as wonderful and amazing and yes.... more gripping than the horrible romance novels that I am ashamed to say that I devoured one after another a number of years ago now.  Thank goodness that one of my daughters confronted me on this and I realized that it was filling me with such unhappiness and plain old filth! 

As I have shared many times... my daughters are so wise and have so helped me on my own spiritual journey.  It seemed that when Maria went into the monastery... not only did it change me from wanting the material "stuff"... watching her leave here with two small Wallmart bags filled with all the earthly possessions she would need... but it took me to such a deep level that I would go from one Catholic Spiritual book that I would find to another... it seemed like she had left a trail for me to follow around the house.... it led me on an ever deepening journey that I continue on today!  The Magnificat has become a part of this journey as John, Pat and I now share prayers morning and night as well as the readings of the Church for that day!  (see http://www.magnificat.com/)

I feel similarly now with the Community of the Lamb in my lives through our daughter, Little Sister Hallel, a member and living in KC with 5 others.... after John and I spent a week with them in the end of March...I feel different and have a lack of interest in the material things that used to have a hold on me.  I pray that it doesn't fade and seeing two of them yesterday in St Paul as they were returning a car that we had allowed them to use... I am continually reminded of their cherished cross - poverty - and know that I would be a better and happier person if I too would embrace that more in my life!  They were coming for a meal with us and stressed to Nancy that it should be simple and not fancy as they were "poor"..   It was a powerful lesson to hear Nancy say that she had a frozen pizza and some eggs and a lot of lettuce she should use up, and how she could make them a "simple" meal... it so much of the stress away and I recall that when I lived with them for that week... my biggest job in the kitchen was to use up the food that they had and not in planning some wonderful meal for them to enjoy!  Such a lesson to me! 

It was a super special day to be with 3 of my wonderful daughters as we looked for a wedding dress for their sister.  To see the 3 of them excited and supportive... looking at Nancy with beaming faces at her happiness after waiting for longer than they to find her wonderful man.  Nancy, who had never been to the prom... was buying her first very special dress and we were all there around her to help and encourage... She is very modest and did not want a strapless dress, but did end up on trying some always with the idea that straps could be added!  I prayed a special decade for her of the Wedding at Cana mystery asking that this day could be everything that beautiful amazing Nancy deserves... that finding her dress could be easy and a delight and starting at a small shop called... Brides of France... just about sent me!  With Susan and the Community originating in France... it was too special.  She did not get her dress there but she did get her veil there so we do have something.... 

All of my prayers for Nancy were answered between her wonderful sisters helping her in every way and a wonderful Catholic girl at the bridal shop wearing a immaculate heart of Mary necklace... she brought Nancy the most stunning dress, and it was the one!  I took pictures of her showing the two little Sisters later, but I realized that I cannot share them here at this point.... I will have them to send to Hallel so that she can enjoy them though!  It was a wonderful day with my girls together and yes it even felt as if Hallel could be there somewhat with the two from her community stopping in for a  simple poor supper sitting around the empty living room... Maria and Joe are in the process of selling their home in ST Paul...on a few chairs and a loveseat....Watching two of my grandkids get to know and immediately love the little Sisters!  I have noticed that with the 3 that live here... they have such love for the little Sisters that have come and spent time with us here and there.  It was so cute to watch little Davey (5mo) chewing happily on LS Alma's lamb that she wears around her neck indicating that she has taken her final vows, and then to watch Therese show her immediate liking for LS Sarah, by starting with a hug and progressing into a rough and tumble game of hugs and laying in her lap.  Both kids and Little Sisters were beaming at the interaction! It is so wonderful to have them in our lives and for the little ones to witness their joy and fullfillment at being Brides of Christ! 

My heart is full today and the tears spring to my eyes often as I consider all the blessings that my family give to me... and yes I consider now the Little Sisters my family as well!  I think for them to be in this new country, as Hallel is the only one that is American in the entire hundreds of little Sisters... it means a lot to have our family fairly close by as well as the Coulter family that are a family of the Lamb that live in Forest Lake... it is like they have "family" here and they truly do!  I would think that before too long Pat and I will become a family of the Lamb - in order to become that you need to embrace their motto to live by - "Wounded, I continue to love."  How hard is that?  The hardest thing in the world - the cross!  But how powerful if we can put it into practice in our lives, but most of all in our families!

I need to get my grandson fed and on the bus to school!  My heart is so full and I feel that I have so much more to share!  Maybe I will come back to this later!  Jesus thank you for a wonderful time with FAMILY!  How I am blessed with all the special ways that they take me deeper in faith!  Jesus I trust in You!  Amen and Halleluia!  Bless-bless, Barb

Pictures from our amazing day and the thank you note that we found in the car along with my empty canning jars - they love our fresh canned food too!

Pentecost Sunday! Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Halleluia, halleluia!

So often over the last week I have thought of the little chapel in KC where Susan and her community have been gathering to meditate and take in the beauty and tremendous gift of Pentecost!  How deep they go and how they bring in so many amazing aspects of each occassion of the Church by scripture, Church Fathers and the echoes they find throughout as it is all one beautiful lesson of how God loves us with his life!  I am in my own life so in need of the Holy Spirit to come and be with me, as I struggle with where I find myself after the last year of focusing so intently on my son and his battle with cancer and now the times when he is coming back into the new normal that has become his life now of healing!  Come Holy Spirit!

Fr Tauler (1361) writes: "So every true friend of God celebrate this lovely festival (Pentecost) every day he lives - yes, every day and every hour should he receive the Holy Spirit in his soul.  The whole task of his life is to prepare a loving welcome for him.  And his coming again and again continuously fits the soul better and better with his ever-renewed entrance.  As Pentecost day was the festival of the Holy Spirit's being sent to the disciples, so every day of the year a Pentecost day to each Christian.  If he will but thoroughly perpare his soul, the divine Spirit will enter in with all his graces and gifts...."

Jesus... I need you to come and dwell in me every day and minute and second - Come Holy Spirit... I am unworthy but that is what you love about me... my humble state of nothingness.  I need you... I am looking at you with the pleading eyes of my heart!  Jesus I trust in you! Amen and Halleluia!  Bless-bless, Barb 

Some artsy images today...

The Vigil of Pentecost - Also every Saturday is devoted to Mary most Holy and the feast day of John's favorite - St Rita of Cascia! And just about an inch of rain to top off this super day!

Hi all... I struggle to get this blog to be manageable doses, but I am poor on computer savey so I appologize for the length of it... I did add another page this morning to discover that it continues to have most everything from my HOME page except for the posts. I will figure it out eventually but with a rainy day now I have two others that are elbowing for the computer!

Yesterday, was a good old fashioned day of the big job with many here to help and to feed and to each one do their piece... It started with our friend, Ailene's arrival to help us with the breeding. I am afraid that the emotions still easily come to the surface after the year that we all have been through. I am afraid that I shocked her and left her uncomfortable with my tears on her shoulder... Seeing her brings so much back rushing over me... I know that she probably misunderstands that I am holding onto her, and her relationship to John... but it is what it is and all that we have shared runs very deep. I will forever appreciate her maturity and caring... it is carved deeply on my heart with much else from the journey called cancer/healing.

The grandkids were great to have and I realized how special they are to me. To be fixing a meal for many and then to go out on a fun adventure with the three... to the point that Simon went to look at his beloved equipment and Mary and David came out to look at the breeding process...soon we were a distraction and after you have watched the process a few times... that is enough for a 4year old and almost 2 year old.... so we commondeered the 4 wheeler and soon picked up Simon too...the 4 of us caught the cooling breezes as we checked out the bean plants coming up in the field behind the house... the rocks that grandpa had just been picking for the last days became a mountain to climb as well as the shoulder height grass in the pasture...fun to make trails in and play with their little friend, Roger the rat terrier in... later it was special to see the cows and calves allowed to get in the wonderful fresh grass and eat to their hearts content... Soon the 4 wheeler was needed for the running back and forth to the house for this or that, so we started the fun of playing with the hose and the cool water became an hour of entertainment... we used the sled that just a few months ago to slide down the deep snow in the pasture to fill with water and become a make shift swimming pool... soon the underwear was swimming suits and we cooled off, laughed and ran in a hot afternoon. It would have been perfect if not for the ever present gnats that made us a bit miserable!

As we are soon to gather in the upper room with the disciples awaiting the coming our strength and hope...Come Holy Spirit... we remember; "On the day before Pentecost we remember especially that Mary strengthened the early Christian community in their courage by praying with them, as she strengthens us today." (see www.magnificat.com)

I would like to share the Meditation of the Day written by St Antoninus of Florence (1459) who was a Dominican priest, a Church reformer, and the archbishop of Florence, Italy... he writes:

"Mary visited the places where her Son had done any miraculous deed, and there she contemplated the sacred mysteries. Sometimes in Nazareth she went to the place where the angel had made his announcement to her and she had conceived the Son of God, and there she contemplated God's boundless charity. Sometimes in Bethlehem she meditated on God's humility, for there he had his humble birth. Sometimes she went to the temple in Jerusalem, where whe had been presented on the fortieth day and where her son preached, recalling his most sweet and wondrous teaching, reflecting on his wisdom. Sometimes she visited the river Jordan, where when Christ was baptized he had made all the waters holy for washing away the sins of those receiving baptism and where John had heard the Father's voice: "This is my beloved Son." and the Holy Spirit was seen in the likeness of a dove. And considering how great and generous the Lord is, she was caught up in spiritual ecstasy, as might well be believed.

"Passing by Mount Calvary, where her Son was crucified amid such great insult for the salvation of men, she completely dissolved into tears because of the immense sweetness of God's love that was reavealed there, And going on from there and reaching the tomb, she rejoiced with all her heart that he had come forth from it risen and appeared on the third day. And going up the Mount of Olives, and recalling that her Son had ascended from there into heaven, she eagerly longed to be with Christ."

I think that sharing this has allowed me to have insight into my own tears over the last few days... it was "the immense sweetness of God's love." We all know as mothers how the tears we have at our chidrens' pain and suffering.. but there is also that added element of seeing God's hand and how he has used these crosses to come closer to them!

Jesus thank you for the "lifegiving rain" as my farmer husband prayed at breakfast this morning! It is such a wonderful appreciated gift with all the crops in and growing from each seed carefully put into our rich black soil! Thank you for all the good and wonderful family and friends that are a part of our lives and our Big Family Jobs... May dear St Rita guide us in this life... she had such a powerful influence on small little John John as he would yell out during family prayer time - "Read St Rita!" When quizzed today he could remeber that she had gotten a thorn from the crown of thorns in her forehead when she asked to share in Christ's suffering... how appropriate it seems now that she is with us on this journey of brain cancer/ healing! May his Godmother, Rita, have special blessings on this her feast day! We await with great expectation the coming of your "lifegiving Spirit" as we enter the vigil of Pentecost! The chapel in KC will be filled with such power and magesty this night! "Bless the Lord, my soul! Lord God, how great you are, clothed in magesty and glory, wrapped in light as in a robe!" Ps 104:1-2 Amen and Halleluia! Bless-bless, Barb

Random thoughts on this Friday morning of the 7th week of Easter - Tomorrow night the vigil of Pentecost arrives!

Today is a big day around here... the cows are to be bred for having their calves next winter/spring... A good friend of ours, Ailene, is here to help with the process. While John and I were in Rochester to begin his stem cell transplant... She arrived at the same time we did so that she could stay with us as she traveled to a nearby town to learn how to AI - in other words artificially inseminate or breed cows! She is as much a "city girl" as I ever was coming from Detroit to the U of M... she fell in love with cows through horses as she was a horse girl growing up. She worked at a huge cattle ranch in Nebraska last summer and John and she were dating... When she got the news of his cancer... she came to be by his side through thick and thin... Many times I would say to her that I would totally understand if this was too much for her to handle, because even as his mother it was something that I would wish for no one else to ever have to face! She amazed me by telling me with so much maturity; "You stick by your friends when they need you the most."

And that she did for most of his cancer journey, and really when he entered his healing part of the journey - they decided that they were looking for different things than the other could offer, and decided to break up.... after a couple weeks of "talking a lot" they decided to try it again and John shared with me that the brief break up had taken them to a more serious place where they were sharing more about the things that they were facing and their futures... This went on long distance with lots of "texting" and after another month they once again decided that they were in different places and different goals. So to have her here today is very emotional for me and I just wept like an idiot in her arms... I need to pull myself together in order to have a decent conversation with her! She was so much a part of the cancer journey that it will definitely take me a while to do that! Thank you Ailene for the mature and caring person that you are! And I hope that you can find your cows in your life - she is on her way to work once again at the cattle ranch in Nebraska for the summer and stopping by on her way to help with our big day here... Her hands are smaller than Pat's for the job at hand.. I think that the cows will apprecaite that for sure! We were just laughing about how miserable she was when she had to get into small pens with calves and try to "break" them and how painful it was gettting kicked and stepped on. "There are two other new interns this year and I am hoping that they will get the pleassure (?) of breaking them and I will not have to this year."

Pat, John and I shared morning prayer and the reading of the day at our hurried breakfast today... (see www.magnificat.com). I was amazed as I read these words from John today as he asks Peter the 3 times - "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" ... That whole situation is cool as Peter is being forgiven and called to be the first Pope, but this is the part that I just had to exclaim about; "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go... Follow me." John 21:15-19 After working in the nursing home this is so appropriate as I see this all around me there! I recently came across a traced picture that I did back in my single nursing day at HCMC on neuro... it is of a homeless old man laying in a pile of clothes covering him and gazing at a crucifix in his hands... it touched me deeply as I was working hugely with alcoholics.... as that is a high percentage of the patients that come there... So often I would patch them up, and get them cleaned up inside and out, and then we would send them out all spit and polished - only to be going to work on the bus to see them staggering down the street, or falling down the curb into the gutter. My heart would bleed for them, and their sad hopeless state! This picture represented for me the lowest that a person can "hit bottom", and that there they can find the only place that can "save" them.. their loving and forgiving Lord and Savior... There is no wonder that in AA there is recognized that the "higher power" is needed to crawl out of the gutter!

So much of my work at the nursing home is with those that have lost their ability to care of themselves with the most basic needs. It is in many ways taking me back to my younger years as I was a nurses aide and a young nurse at HCMC and Little Sisters of the Poor Nursing home before that. I am overwhelmed at this point with all the new things I am learning and how everything is done, but I hope to get to the place where I can do a good and thorough job with those things, and have more a relationship with the people. As heart wrenching as it was to see all my hard work undone... I did feel that I was serving them and praying for them... which is what so much of the hard places in our lives gets to... Prayer... One time I said to my daughter, Maria, that I felt so helpless with all the problems that I saw around me... What can I do to make a difference? What is the Lord asking me to do with all of these He has given me? "Mom, just pray for them like this - Jesus and Mary, I love you. Save souls." On Tuesdays when I do my deepest praying... I end the prayers with this simple plea to my Lord and His loving caring Mother!"

I need to know that I will come to a better place with my job, and take courage in the fact that my foot will heal and I will get into better shape to handle these long hours on my feet and being busier than I am used to.... I am feeling more and more that this is where I am to be now... especially with John's clean bill of health last week. Getting ready for company... Ailene coming... I was upstairs cleaning, and was in Susan's room and noticed once again the small pieces of paper she had left behind on a make shift "prayer space" with her statue of her patron saint.. St Agnes, and a prayer card of Blessed Theresa of Calcutta, and a painting of the crying Christ that she had always had with her... The small handwritten slip of paper is of the love relationship that Susan has with her Lord to rival any love that we had for our future spouces back in the "early days" of our love stories... "I belong to my love, and his desire is for me." Song of Songs7:10 I was deeply touched by the intimacy of this verse, and how it revealed to me how Susan now little sister Hallel felt about her spouce - Our Lord and Lover Jesus Christ! It blew me away and now to receive this deep and powerful letter she wrote to Nancy about marriage - reveals that she has embraced her call to become the bride of Christ!

The second slip of paper is equally powerful and called... O Bona Crux or I would say it means O beautiful cross...

"O Good Cross, which is decorated
and made beautiful by the hanging
body of the Lord upon it, long have I
desired you, ardently have I loved
you, unceasingly have I sought you,
and now my eager soul is ready for
you. Accept me from among men.
and bring me to my Master. Receive
this disciple of Christ, so that by
means of you He may receive me,
He who, by his death upon you,
redeemed me. Amen" - Prayed by St Andrew before being crucified for his faith.

Well, I am soon to get 3 kids so that I can do my part of this "big day" on the farm... I'm sure that I will have many pictures to share at some later time, but I am needing to make food and watch kids now. Jesus we thank you for the family times that allow us to be close and to help one another to accomplish the goal.. help us to be cheerful and loving at those times when we are so easily annoyed and short. Help my weakness and fill me with the fruits of your amazing Spirit! Jesus and Mary, I love you save souls... especially my own weak and sinful one... Jesus we trust in you! Amen and Halleluia! Bless-bless, Barb

While I was getting the upstairs presentable for guests - I found some pictures in Susan my cow girls room that I thought you would enjoy today.

"Come, Holy Ghost, Creator blest, and in our hearts take up thy rest; Come with they grace and heavenly aid to fill the hearts which thou hast made,"

If my title sounds familiar... It is a hymn used at the time of Pentecost in church. We are only two days from the vigil of Pentecost... the time when the
Apostles were gathered in the upper room along with Our Spiritual Mother of God, Mary most Holy... they were fearful and alone they thought after our Lord had entered heaven in front of their eyes at the Ascension... But He told them that he had to leave in order for the Spirit to come to them and set them on fire with love and the graces necessary to carry Him forth to the world! There was a huge rushing of wind and the Spirit was on each of them in the form of "tongues of fire". They were no longer afraid and alone... they were filled with the fruits of the Spirit...peace, joy, love, gentleness, kindness, patience... the place where these are listed is escaping me right now... I did read 1Corinthians 13 - which is the love chapter and truly is not possible without the Spirit within us!

As I was looking for the fruits of the Spirit I came across the part in Ephesians that Paul talks about putting on the Armor of God - this would translate once again into the life giving Spirit that we are blessed with at our confirmation and baptism!

"Build up your strength in union with the Lord and by means of his mighty power. Put on all the armor that God gives you, so that you will be able to stand up against the Devil's evil tricks. For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in the heavenly world, the rulers, authorities, and cosmic powers of this dark age. So put on God's armor now!... So stand ready, with truth as a belt tight around your waist, with rightousness as your brestplate, and as your shoes the readiness to announce the Good News of peace. At all times carry faith as a shield, for with it you will be able to put out all the burning arrows of the Evil One. And accept salvation as a helmet, and the Word of God as the sword which the Spirit gives you. Do all this in prayer, asking for God's help. Pray on every occassion, as the Spirit leads. For this reason stay alert and never give up; pray always for all of God's people." Ephesians6:10-18

I am distressed by the damage that I am encountering to family and to marriage - the people that I am encountering on my new job reveal to me the sad state of family in so many lives... there are a few beacons to family that I have encoutered also, but for the most part there is no "knowledge of the truth". The value of putting your faith first and then asking the Lord to show you His path for you whether it be married, religious life of single state... it like speaking Greek... I found myself cast down into the depths by the desperate sharing of a divorced woman... "I just want someone to love me and pursue me and want me for who I am!" I could picture Jesus standing there with His arms open wide in love and forgiveness for her and the happinesss that she could find there! To turn to Him and know that He wants her to come to know Him and follow Him into the healing of all that has "hurt" her over the years. That is where she would start to find this happiness that she is so desperately seeking! When she comes to that place... then the Lord can work in her life and give her the peace and acceptance that she so hungers for!

I would like to share a wonderful story of a woman that I have known for years... About 10 years ago she became very sad about her marriage to the point that everytime we were together she "looked" so sad and would even cry out in her deep hurt and desperation in tears at times... this seemed to go on for maybe a few years, and to be honest to hear that she had decided to call the marriage quits would not have surprised me terribly... as she just seemed to be in the deepest of despair, and what appeared to be hopelessness.

She was very good about not sharing any details of her disappointment with her husband, but did at one time share that she had moved out of the bedroom into another one in the house. I had thought that as a unfortunate thing, because in my marriage that is where a lot of healing takes place... My mother in law told me early on in my marriage; "Never go to bed angry with your spouce." And I have to say that the few nights in the last 31 1/2 years that Pat has turned a cold angry back to me... have been long and filled with the most excruciating mental pain! The thought of that hurt and pain night after sleepless night is too hard to think about!

Now all these years later, I see that my friend has stayed married, not only that but seems to have healed her marriage! I was especially struck a few years ago when I attended their son's wedding... I wept for Joy... when she and her husband, walked beaming for joy, arm and arm with their son down the aisle. It could have been so different and sad... if she had taken the most common and little thought of route of walking away from "the cherished cross" in her life... the sacrament of marriage! I just had to share with her the letter that Susan/Little Sister Hallel had written to her sister Nancy on the event of her engagement!

This was her responce to me as I acclaimed her making through some hard times, and challanges in her marriage, and coming out the other side..."The way I look at "our cherished Cross" is our cross is what ever draws us closer to Jesus. What ever propells us into increased dependence on our Father. For so many days/weeks/months the only way I was able to not "self destruct" was by keeping my eyes and thoughts pointed upwards and trusting the many promises I would read in scripture. Jesus gave me many opportunities to see his hand on my life and to know that He cared deeply about our marriage."

Thank you, dear friend, for being an example to many that yes... marriage is difficult when two become one... the glue that holds us together through thick and thin is the Holy Spirit. Without that marriage has become easily disposable or so they think... truly that leads to much more suffering and pain for the couple as well as the children that they together have brought into the world! Your example is a shining light that is put on the lampstand to show others the way!

Jesus we love you and honor you... "come Holy Spirit be our guest and in our hearts take up they rest....To every sense thy light impart and shed thy love in every heart. To our weak flesh thy strength supply: Unfailing courage from on high!"
"Be content to feel this mysterious grace sweetly awaken in the depths of your spirit. Forget everything but God and fix on him your naked desire, your longing stripped of all self-interest." The Cloud of Unknowing written in the 14th century by an unkown mystic... Jesus we trust in you! Amen and Halleluia! Bless-bless, Barb

After sharing the touching thoughts of our children wearing the shoes of their parents and grand parents... I thought that it would be fun to share my "collection" ... enjoy!