Tough Love

I am up early with much mulling around in my mind after the amazing Gospel for today and also many other issues that are all addding up to the concept of Tough Love today!

The Gospel is one of the most amazing ever!...Luke 7:36-50... When He is dining in the house of the Pharisee, Simon, and the woman comes in and starts washing his feet with her tears and drying them with her hair...  Then kissing them and annointing them!  Why?  Because her many sins have been forgiven her!

This year with the racket in the yard as the calves are wanting their mothers... As an old farmer said this morning at the Nursing Home..."They are crying for their mothers."  He sounded sad for them, but realizing that for the cow to have that important calf for next year... this is what has to happen. We... man... are put on this earth to manage the animals, and sometimes that requires what from the outside apears to be tough love.  When you see the time and energy and money  that my husband puts into every step of raising cattle from breeding through going to market... it is truly a labor of love!

The first time I read about Tough Love was when I was in my late teens reading a book about the way that families were helping their children that were involved in drug addiction... They were encouraged to take drastic measures and put them out on the street to "hit rock bottom," and then out of their need they would realize that they needed help!

I looked it up on the internet and cut and pasted this info:

Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love


"Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc."

"A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.

"I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time."

"Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving."

I then went and wanted to know.. what exactly the 12 steps are and was I ever blown away!

The 12 Steps




Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs 

 

Is it any wonder now knowing that this is the "steps" that they maintain their sobriety one day at a time... that the people that have found freedom from their addictions would say that this was the best thing that ever happened to them?  I think similarly that we can say after our 16 months of John's brain cancer... that it was one of the best things that could have happened to our family... in the way it brought us to Him!

This is truly the way we should all admit our "sins and weaknesses" - those things that we confess time after time!  I was just reading over the page that I had gone to on the internet to get the 12 steps and noticed in the outer margin a mention of those that are to "compulsive porn surfing."   Wow!  That is a huge one there!  With porn just a mouse click away... I know that it has touched those that I know and love!  I myself went through a period of going from one "romance novel" to another in an ongoing addiction... it took me to realize how damaging all that "junk" was to me and those around me for me to put them in the burn barrel and to not go back! 

I think it took the humiliation of one of my daughters to find my "stash" and to confront me on it!  Thank you Lord, for my kids and their wisdom and their "tough love" of their mom and wanting her to get to heaven! 

Often times I think of my 6 losses... looking down on me from heaven and rooting for me to get up there with them, and how devasted and sad they are with me... when I show no resistance to temptation and find myself sinning... That also is a humbling that I need and cling to... to help me root out the sin in my life!

I have shared in the past that one of the most powerful talks that I have ever heard was a man, about my age, at at retreat... shared the total degradation that he suffered as the result of his alcoholism!  He described in graphic terms... out on the streets, urinating on himself, totally "blacked out" and not remembering what he had done to land in jail... where he awoke the following day... withdrawing from alcohol complete with DTs. 

He had hit bottom and now has been recovering for 30 years!  He now works with others as their sponsor and other ways... Isn't this what Jesus asks us to do in our walk with Him?  "Love your brothers and sisters as I have loved you?"  And that means with Tough Love!

This might seem a bit out of context.. but I keep remembering a little less than a year ago with John... the cancer had grown through the chemo and I had noticed that there were 3 things involving John's memory on this one day during harvest... last Oct!  We went to Mayo and were told that it was growing very fast and the only thing left to do was radiation! 

We had decided from the beginning of all this that with John's young and developing brain... we would not do radiation as it could have long range effects on his use of it in the future!  And for John the ability to use his brain as he presented himself to people was huge!  I sceamed; "NOOOOOOOOOOO! " When we were told this, but John turned to me and said; "Mom, I want to live!"

How does this fit?  It just seems to me that the Lord was asking me to be tough with myself and to give up John into His hands and trust!  There is so much more to this and I know for sure that the Lord asks me to handle my kids in a tough way and not an enabling way!  I am not always the best at this I admit!  But there are times that I see where we put our foot down and it truly was a crossroads for the kids! Catholic College versus Protestant college... huge difference!

I must find a way to end this today... so much and more should be shared on this huge topic!  How does it all tie into the woman that was forgiven much and showed it in such a public outpouring... I think that is quite evident!  As Jesus said to her and to all those listening to Him..."So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love..... Your faith has saved you: go in peace."  Jesus, thank you for our weaknesses... the times that we cannot do it alone!  WE need you and turn to you!  That is where we need to be now and always!  Show us how to love when we need to be TOUGH and REAL and HUMBLE!  Jesus we trust in You!  Amen and Halleluia! 

Bless-bless, Barb