"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world” CS Lewis
I was looking for a quote that the speaker mentioned on the final night of our Church mission last evening... He said that CS Lewis had said that people are created for Joy. Well, it must not have been a direct quote, because when I googled it... there were no matches, but I am in love with the mind, heart and soul of CS Lewis, so it was great to find a list of his quotes, and this one really grabbed me and held on... one of those moments when you nod your head and smile, in recognition of a truth that is expressed in eloquent words! Lewis is well known for that, as well as his imaginary world stories called... the Narnia series. John and I spent months reading those together before he started school. Every night we would snuggle together and read starting with The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe we read through all the books and then wanted to continue so we launched into the Hobbit, and then started that Tolkein trilogy, but at some point we stopped... and it became a long faded memory. I have often said that if I had known that John was to be my last child...I might have gone into a huge depression, or handled it very badly somehow. Instead those were years of hope and sadness, with the losses that were huge! I got pregnant shortly after John and carried it 5 months, going in for my 5 month checkup there was no heartbeat! The total devastation and question of "Why?" Then the fear of how horrible the loss could be, if I just let nature take it's course... so I opted to have it using a 5 month abortion procedure called a prostagladin suppository! It was a miserable experience... with severe chills, and contractions, and a small baby boy with a fatally kinked cord to hold in a small blanket. The ground was frozen, so we brought him home in a small box, and put him in the freezer until we could bury him! So hard! The Lord was certainly talking to me with a megaphone in this pain... that His ways were not my ways, and that I had to hold on and TRUST, and that I needed to focus on the children that I had to raise in the domestic Church - our Catholic faith! Sharing these losses with our family has made us so close! We appreciate and cling to those that form our family here on earth, and we have a tie to heaven... where we have those family members waiting and praying for us! I think that this is especially true of John, who has his brothers in heaven... those that he never had here on earth - although he has some amazing brother-in-laws and fraternity brothers that have given him his first ever earthly brothers! It is all so mixed together at that time with John... as then I had another pregnancy that I carried for another 5 months, and once again there was no heartbeat at my 5 month check up! Unbelieveable! These two boys are so much the same, and the experiences were so much the same, and the questions of "Why,Lord?" so much the same! So hard! And there was little John now 2 years old, watching mom and dad and his older siblings go through this! Asking me; "Why can't I have a brother, mom?" John, I am trying! We finally were able to bury our two boys - William and Robert - in the cemetary at the foot of Pat's parents grave... we put a small in the ground marker there for them. My dad,who is a permanent deacon, came and had a ceremony/funeral service there for them! We go there to remember them on Memorial day, and at other times I stop in there from time to time - especially when the losses and memories were so recent and close! I feel a closeness to them there, and a reminder that the call to LIFE is confusing and hard, yet always real and constant!
For John and I to be sharing this bonding time with the books of CS Lewis through these hard years and months of loss... I can see how looking back... that going to this place of fantasy, yet with the strong images of faith with Aslan, as the symbol of Good overcoming evil in the world... it was a very wonderful way to come together in comfort and support for my small son and myself... tossed around in the midst of this world of LOSS! For then two years later I had my last pregnancy, and how I prayed that the Lord would let me have one last child to show the world in a visible way... that I had not had my son and quit! How many times had people said that..."Oh,you had a boy after 4 girls and then quit." Even as recently as when John was in for his stem cell transplant, did one of the nurses make this comment to us, when she heard about John being the youngest after 4 older sisters...I didn't let it just go, as I do sometimes, when it is just too hard to explain. I told her that this was most certainly not the case! We were always open to life, and this is how it all turned out! My last pregnancy in 1994, when I was 43 years old, ended in a loss after 3 1/2 months, and this one I named, Mary, the only one I felt could be a girl after all the others were boys. I had thought that I was unable to carry boys, so I have named them all boys names - Christopher, Thomas, Joseph, William, Robert and Mary, pray for us! They are with me every day of this journey, and that completes our family and is a strong tie to heaven... I need that and find strength in that! Looking back at those hard years after John... CS Lewis was a big part of John and I sharing our faith and gaining strength and comfort in Aslan's soft mane!
“It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.
"Are -are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
John and girls with a "brother" - Breno from Brazil, our foreign exchange student from 2000-2001!
Emeth speaking of Aslan, "Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek...And since then, O Kings and Ladies, I have been wandering to find him and my happiness is so great that it even weakens me like a wound. And this is the marvel of marvels, that he called me Beloved, me who am but as a dog”
― C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle
Jesus, There is so much JOY found in these years of questions and pain... How we had to cling to one another, and to our faith in YOU! We heard so loudly that we must trust in you, and that someday we will understand the reasons for those years of loss. We do now see that we grew in our closeness as a family, and our faith in the True Church... as we shared our tears and faith within our domestic Church - our family! This is reason enough for us to Trust in you no matter what! We were reminded once again that you are in control of our lives with the shock of John's brain cancer! "Mom, this is the storm, and Jesus is in control." Yes, Lord we are every day placing our hope in you for the lives of our new grandchildren in the womb... trying not to allow our fears to enter our hearts and minds. You show us the Way, the Truth and the LIFE! WE follow you on that narrow path carrying our Most Cherished Cross! Jesus, we trust in you. Amen and Halleluia
“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” (p.50, Mere Christianity) CS Lewis
“God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” (p.50)
C S Lewis
Just felt like adding some John pictures/family pictures at the end of this emotional sharing today. John and George, the fluffy cat that John hasn't gotten over...
John and cousin, Sam Cross, at Schoenstatt camp.
John and I in Michigan!
Easter pose in Colman in 1999
Nancy's confirmation day in 1999
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