The tears have dried on my face after talking to Nancy on the phone a few minutes ago... She is fine, but has an appointment with the doctor - rountine in a few minutes. She is asking for prayers and I am overcome with FEAR! How hard it is for me to leave my history and worry behind... with each of my grandchildren.... as much as I try to not... I worry and fear for them to get bad news. Help me Lord!
The Advent candles are lit and I clutch the rosary in my shaking fingers... I read the words of St John of the Cross as he shares about how suffering purifies us and allows us to feel the fire of His LOVE in our souls... He mentions Psalm 39... I go to read it! Wow! The title is - A Confession of a sufferer...Psalm 39
I said, "I will be careful about what I do and will not let my tongue make me sin;
I will not say anything...."
But my suffering only grew worse, and I was overcome with anxiety.
The more I thought, the more troubled I became:
I could not keep from asking:
"What, then, can I hope for Lord?
I put my hope in you.
Save me from my sins...
Hear my prayer. Lord. and listen to my cry;
come to my aid when I weep.
I am only your guest for a little while...
In your sight my lifetime seems nothing.
Indeed every living being is no more than a puff of wind,
no more than a shadow.
All we do is nothing:
we gather wealth, but don't know who will get it.
After writing this hard psalm... which kind of was the state of my mind at the moment... I went away to where I thought would be quiet to say Nancy's decade of the rosary for her at the time she was meeting with her doctor... I was overwhelmed with kids and kitties and over 60 pictures later...
A call from Nancy as she is leaving the clinic..."They put the jelly on my tummy and immediately the thump- thump-thump of the heartbeat! Everything is wonderful! They are so happy at how my bloodwork and blood pressure is doing!" I tearfully rejoice and thank God for all the distractions of life that made me leave my worry far behind! How can I worry when this is the sight that greets me? My wonderful daughter and her loving children... all such amazing gifts to me!
I had my rosary in one hand and my camera in the other as I walked into the front room to leave all behind and quietly(?) say my rosary while Nancy was seeing her doctor... the Lord had other things in mind... First almost 1 year old David got my rosary and sat in mom's lap with it... just like he did with his dad everyday before he left for training in the ...He thought that it tasted good too!
Then Therese found the rosary and mom's lap... all the time I am trying to say a few calming "Hail Marys" in my head and heart and soul...
Then carry it to the favorite spot for kittens and kids... the Christmas tree - where it got stuck on a bottom branch and much more fun to pull and play and "pray" with there! All the time grandma is distracted from her worries right up to the point when Nancy called with the Good News!
The Lord certainly has put good ways to calm me and make me realize that worrying is not what I should be doing! I should be embracing the wonder of life and TRUST! Yes, I have a history with going to the doctor pregnant and receiving bad news, but I have put all my kids in the Lord's hands and He is there with them and I must trust!
Here is Maria the day she entered the Poor Clares - Jan 1, 2004! What a powerful day that was for all of us! She was with them for 5 amazing months and decided that she was not where she belonged. Yesterday we got a wonderful Christmas letter from them... I wanted to share some of it with you as it is very sweet and special! 320-251-3556 Many times we have called them for needs... they are wonderful and wise after all their years and hours each day in front of our loving and forgiving Lord! They are holding our world together and making a huge difference! I would hate to think of what the world would be like without all the amazing prayers of all the sisters, brothers and priests of this world!
Another psalm from mass today... much more positive and trusting and hopeful!
Psalm 34
Look to him that you may be radiant with joy,
and your faces may not blush with shame.
When the poor one called out, the Lord heard,
and from his distress he saved him.
The Lord hears the cry of the poor.
and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.
The Lord redeems the lives of his servants;
no one incurs guilt who takes refuge in him.
The Lord hears the cry of the poor. Psalm 34
They are so good at supporting the Holy Father!This glorious message from him - "God is with us!" How can I have any fear? When God is right here with me? Come Holy Spirit!
"God's light, which illumines the angels by clarifying and giving the savor of love... illumines man by darkening him and giving him pain and anguish, since naturally he is impure and feeble. This communication affects him as sunlight affects the sick and bleary eyed. This very fire of love enamors a man impassionedly and afflictively until it spiritualizes and refines him through purification, and he beomes capable of the tranquil reception of his loving inflow, as are the angels and those already purified." St John of the Cross pray for us, that we may come out of the dark night of the soul into the Sonshine! For John on this - one of his feast days!













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