Not caving in....?

A self portrait taken a few years back...  I am feeling a weight today as questions swirl though my mind and heart and soul.  There is a uneasiness in me and my kids that is calling on me to be in a deep place of prayer and concern.  Today being the feast day of St Agatha reminds me of the experience I had a few years back of a one man play of the life, death and conversion of her rapist in prison - St Maria Goretti.  I think it was called - Allesandro - which was the name of the man, who raped and killed Maria on her family farm.  As the actor came out on the stage after this most moving one man play - he was talking to us about the gripping story of purity at all costs which we find in St Maria, but he said that if any of us had been raped that we don't need to feel as though we have failed in our following the Lord.  Suddenly I had this most crazy realization that in my year of working between high school and college as a new resident in Minnesota... I was on a date with a man, who raped me!  I fought until he put his hand around my throat and then out of fear for my life I stopped fighting.  There was never a thought of giving my life to save my purity, and it had only seemed like that the Lord would want me to preserve my life rather than be killed for this.  Would the world have known that I had given up my life to preserve my purity?  Jesus would have known and isn't that all that really matters?  I was shocked and appalled at how I had never considered fighting to the death for my purity and my virginity!  It truly reveals how differently this is valued now a days - so easily thrown away at a young age in the pursuit of acceptance, having a boyfriend or girlfriend, or for the sake of pleasure, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol which lowers our defenses!  But what of rape?  Lord, I do see that I am called to be here and to be in marriage and to be open to LIFE and to accept the Cross of my losses and those with me and to raise LIGHTS for the world and to not be silent to the sharing the Truth of Christ's LOVE and Mercy and forgiveness!  The virgin martyrs are so powerful in the Church and are working miracles for so many!  Foremost is your perpetual virgin Mother, Mary Most Holy!

The fact that not a thought crossed my mind of fighting to the death until over 30 years from when I was raped.... says to me that even though I was influenced by the thinking of today that I was led to live and carry on with the wound I was inflicted!  There are many women that have suffered rape, and lived to carry that wound and witness to the world that we are still beautiful in the sight of our Lord, and our husbands!  I cannot let this eat me up, but I do find it very interesting. 

One interesting fact about St Agatha - her name means good- is that in her being tortured to her death that her breasts were cut off, and this has given her the powerful place for those that suffer from breast cancer!  I was disheartened to read lately that those, who do not have children are more prone to breast cancer, and even spoke of those who are in religious life!  I usually don't get upset at God, but this just made me so sad and upset to think that my Hallel, who sacrificed her ability to have a family could have to face this as a result!  I even mentioned it to her when I talked to her a few weeks ago, and she laughed and told me that out of the 150+ sisters only 3 of them have gotten breast cancer, including their founder,Little Sister Marie.  "Little Sister Marie is very aware of the issue and she has us doing all we can to be safe and healthy."  It does give me some peace of mind knowing that Little Sister Marie is a survivor and is aware of this issue, but I still question the Lord allowing this to happen.  The mysteries of God I find myself questioning for myself and for my family!  Why, Lord?  Why did I have to lose all those babies, why do Ruth and Maria have to struggle with their ability to be open to life, why does Nancy now have to have this scare, why is John having struggles, why would Susan/Hallel have to face health issues for giving up having a family for her spouse, Jesus Christ?  All added up = why do we all have crosses in our lives?  To find LIFE/LOVE/LIGHT!

David is a miracle baby... he is here after Ruth was told no more children, and after allowing her uterus to heal she has now had 3 beautiful miracle babies!  So much prayer surrounded each of those babies!!!  All of this is very powerful and a witness to the world!!  I see the value of that for the darkness to see a great LIGHT, yet it still makes me ask why?  There is no answer to be found here except for the "stumbling block of the cross." I Cor 1:23 

Lord, all I can do is fall on my knees and TRUST this day of many swirling questions.  So powerfully we recall that we are called to die to self so that you may live and breath and have your being in us.  A discussion the other night with someone who looked at the sacrificial lamb and spoke about how they have a problem with this. "I have never understood the sacrifice of animals and then finally of Christ for us.  Why not use plants or vegetables or flowers as a sacrifice or why even go there?"  Because we need to be saved by HIS Blood!  He was God and was without sin - the unblemished Lamb slain for our sins!  The blood of bulls and lambs was not allowing us to find our path to heaven and to find the forgiveness that God wanted to give to us.   He needed to come and dwell among us - so that we could see God in the flesh and witness His unconditional LOVE and forgiveness.  Yet, He also told us that we need to die to self and take up our Most Cherished Cross and follow after HIM!  That means that we do not understand all the questions and narrow twists and turns our path takes as we fall and get up over and over as our sinless and without blemish Lamb of God/Savior did for us. 

I know that YOU are always there for me, Lord, along with all the graces and blessings given to me by your Bride, The Church!  Jesus, I trust in YOU.  Amen and Hallelujah

 Bless-bless, Barbara Luke

"If we are afflicted it is for your encouragement and salvation."  2 Cor 1:6

A verse for the day and all that is swirling inside of me!  May others gain from this ability to continue on in faith knowing that the Lord loves me and has a plan for all to work towards the good and the LIGHT!  Yes, Lord, I trust in YOU.

Yes, Therese, we do have those wonderful saints with us on our journey!  They show us how to persevere no matter the trials we face!  When I was raped - I was not a Catholic and knew nothing of the virgin martyr saints!  How different would it have been for me?  I cannot go there, and once again am called to give it all to HIM. 

Matthew West - Hello, my name is