I am taking deep breaths to calm my inner turmoil after an hour of desperate Hail Marys - trying to find the trust in HIM at a time of going back to deep pain from personal loss! I feel physically sick after an hour of praying for Nancy while she went in for an early ultrasound. Not because she had any worries about her pregnancy other than a question of more than one... the result is one healthy baby with her due date at about June 20th! So relieved and thankful, yet humbled as I get in touch with the depth of my own insecurities as a result of my own histories of losses. The ultrasounds when I went in there so hopeful and was crushed by the news of a baby not to be with me here on earth, but to be united with in Heaven... they have caused me to doubt, and fears comes crashing over me like a huge wave! How I have to cling to prayer... as I was praying these desperate calls to Jesus through the intercession of his Mother, Mary, I remembered feeling so similarly desperate when I was left alone in the room where Maria had been giving birth to her 3rd child, Patrick! Suddenly all went terribly wrong, and she was rushed to the OR to do an emergency C section - knowing that it looked like Patrick was not having a heart beat! They felt that he was without oxygen for about 20 minutes, and feared for his life and how much damage was done! I just fell to my knees - alone in the room, and cried out in desperate pleas to the Lord and Our Lady to protect the two of them! A few days later this verse from Romans brought both Maria and I to tears on the feast of St Teresa of Avila!
22" We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." I didn't know where to stop - it is all too wonderful for words! I am in awe of how the Holy Spirit works through St Paul! A man on fire for God - through the Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit alive within!
I love the reflection! And that is much about what I am sharing this day - a reflection of all that makes us who we are! Today with the story of Zacchaeus as the Gospel and how his encounter with Christ - "When Jesus appears, Zacchaeus' life changes, and he begins to look at reality in a whole new way." How this reminds me of what Together Encounter Christ means to our family! It is a wonderful 3 day retreat that 3 of our girls attended after they turned 16 - each came home and invited Pat and I to go. After the 3rd one - I could no longer say "no, I am fine with where I am at with my faith." I went, and was forever changed by my encounter with Christ! Prayer became something real and powerful to me, and thank goodness that happened as I look back at the times that I had to realize that Jesus was in control in the midst of the storms of LIFE - there had been plenty up til then in our marriage with our 7 losses as we were open to LIFE. The two 5 month boys we lost after John were especially difficult and have come back to us over the years with yearning for what might have been... after John graduated from high school - there would have been two boys following him in school, the times John asked why he never had a brother - well, we tried and you definitely have two in heaven and probably more to meet, the fact that John has no desire to farm - maybe the other two would have been at their father's side in love with the farm. We do see that the Lord has given him a wonderful son-in-law to fill that spot! We had the shared Faith in The Church to get us through these times, yet sharing TEC made our marriage even more firm in prayer and Word and all the The Church has to offer us on this journey of LIFE/LOVE/LIGHT!
A cute movie of Nancy just coming home and Bernadette playing, laughing and kissing her!
Jesus, so much is filling me with raging emotions this day - the storm within due to all that has come to me in LIFE. Yet, you are always with me and it calls me to a humble place of knowing that You are in control always! My prayers are constant to keep me reminded that I have nothing to fear for Christ is with me and the Holy Spirit is dwelling within me! I must Trust and there is no reason for me to not believe that Jesus is here with me no matter what. I must die to self and make amends for my sins - much like Zacchaeus after he came face to face with the Lord of Heaven and earth. Jesus, we trust in YOU. Amen and Hallelujah
Bless-bless, Barbara Luke
"The Lord upholds me." Psalm 3:6
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