I was looking for pictures of John at 4 yesterday and discovered this one of the 5 standing in front of the newly placed marker for our two 5 month losses after John, William and Robert. I lost William around Thanksgiving when John was just 10 months old - they would have been very close in age, then I lost Robert in 1992 - about 2 years later. So terrifically hard to carry them each 5 months, hear their heartbeat numerous times, go in for my regular 5 month check up and get no heartbeat, then the ultrasound from hell with a dead baby, then the agony of carrying them in my womb with fear of a horrible life threatening loss! I decided to have a prostaglandin suppository to have the baby - the same thing used for a 5 month abortion procedure! It was horrible to go through and twice! There was contractions and chills and delivering my little boys dead! I was allowed to hold them... I never thought to take pictures or to have the kids come in... I have since read of a family that did that, and felt a twinge of regret. Although I know that it was what was to be, and that our kids certainly have never been left out of the news of having a baby or losing a baby in our journey of 5 with us and 7 in heaven! I have been told along the way to not share with the kids and the world that I am pregnant until I know that I am having a baby, but that is not the way Pat and I look at it! We see that always being open and truthful and share all the ups and downs as a family has made us very close! It has made us share our morals and values and foremost the value of being open to LIFE and raising LIGHTS! We cherish each other and have one foot in heaven - knowing of the many there waiting to be united with us and praying for us on our journies - I now have added two grandchildren to that family there!
The 5 at Ruth's wedding in Nov 2003
Today is the feastday of St Thomas Aquinas, and as we were doing morning prayer and reading about this great mind yet humble man of the Church - one of the "premier doctors" of the Catholic Church! I was thinking that I will probably have a grandson named Thomas and what a good name that is! Then I recalled that my second miscarriage is Thomas! He is named after the disciple, Doubting Thomas, as he died at the same time my sister Mary died from lymphoma on July 3, 1986! Talk about a double whammy! I was into my 4th month of pregnancy and had wept through the whole thing as I watched my sister, Mary, lose her battle with cancer. In my thinking of ways to keep her alive - Pat and I asked her and her new husband, Gerry, to be Godparents to our baby, Susan. I thought that she would live if I did this! Yet, she left behind her new husband and baby daughter of 20 months, and the day she was dying I had just gotten word that my baby was dead also! I called the hospital and told my parents through my tears that a part of me would be going with Mary, and shortly she was gone too! I lost my baby while up at my parents for her wake and funeral! I almost died too! They couldn't stop the bleeding or get the IV in! Finally they did, and I fought to get out in time for her wake... drinking everything in sight to get my IV out and get there. I was shaky and in shock and deeply grieving!!! That is my Thomas! Mary died on the feastday of St Thomas, The Doubter! She had struggled with her Faith also in her life, so I thought my son should be named Thomas as he is forever tied to Mary! When I talk about the Cross that came to us in our childbearing years... this is it at it's worst! This loss and the one of the one where they saw two sacks and I am now naming them two boys - Joseph and Paul - were the groundwork for Susan to so love and protect her brother, John, who came after them! I can so see why the kids all cherish one another, after they experienced loss and grief and sadness after hope after hope ended in loss!
So I am kind of going crazy all because of the it being St Thomas today... He is a great one to promote the beauty of learning and being educated in the Truth! "Whoever lives in the Truth comes to the Light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done by God." John 3:21
Jesus, today in the first reading we see David "dancing before the Lord with abandon"... Yes, Lord! We love you and rejoice with all the blessings we are given. The hard times make the good things in our lives that much more rich and special! We cherish those that we are given to share this journey with knowing that others were called to be with YOU. All of our family is most important to us - those in heaven keep our eyes and hearts there to be united with them someday. Knowing that they are praying for us and helping us on our way reminds us to fight the good fight that much more and resist those temptations that come along... my kids are watching me at this moment - makes me think twice! Thank you, Lord! You remind us today in the Gospel that our family is so much more than the 12 and Pat and now the in-laws and the grandchildren here, in the womb and in Heaven... our family are all is "whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother." How exciting is that?!? Jesus, help us to feel the same bond and LOVE with all those in our spiritual family. Jesus, we trust in YOU. Amen and Hallelujah
One of my favorite pictures of Simon! It reminds me of Hallel and how much she loves and prays for her Simon - I got a letter from Hallel yesterday, and she shared from the heart! So good!
Bless-bless, Barbara Luke
Hallel talking about her being given the task of accounting for her monastery she is building in Marseille...
"I was completely overwhelmed by my incapacities. So I went to the first mass for Christmas (because we have 4)and I was struck to see Jesus chose to become poor, helpless, he could do nothing for himself, he was a little baby (like Luke). Jesus chose this and I , I try to escape from my weakness and poverty. Jesus placed weakness and poverty in a place of honor... and I? This is my Christmas grace; that Jesus wanted to be poor and so I must also welcome my poverty. Don't worry I quickly climbed out of the dumps and since Christmas I learned a lot in accounting." Little Sister Hallel
Such a lesson to me to face those moments of weakness - My Most Cherished Cross and find LIFE/LOVE/LIGHT!
Hallel and John together shortly after John's cancer struck in August 2009 for Susan taking her habit and changing her name to Little Sister Hallel. A miracle in the series of miracles in John's journey called cancer/healing/following Christ where He will lead! http://familysoulstory.blogspot.com/p/johns-cancer-stories.html
Third Day - I need a miracle
Matthew West - Hello, my name is
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