My sleep has been replaced with concern for my son... He is having a horrific pressure headache in his eyes and with college life... I went down the list of possible causes starting with alcohol! "Mom, I haven't had one acoholic beverage since I started college." Of course, with the brain cancer still so fresh... I am trying not to jump to conclusions, but just calmly giving him directions over the phone. I am most of all beginning prayers and asking for additional prayers from all that are sharing here with me...Jesus, we trust in you to hold John and continue to heal John and have this just be one of those "headaches" with no deeper cause than maybe something small - maybe he is just coming down with something too.
This was John with his friend Ailene last year in the spring... He was to be swimming with her today, but had to cancel because of this headache. She has been good at getting him out and moving and we know that swimming is good for him to work on his ataxia and allows him to "run" in this shallow pool. Something that he has lost the ability to do as he is so unsteady on his left side. Things are getting slowly better with much hard work, and John is not the best at that part,but then who does facing the fact that we should be doing hard work every day to regain something that we all take for granted... our ability to move around without thought or concern. Lord, be with John... I know that you are!
When I look at the quote that I picked out for my title today after the "issue" that I am dealing with now... I would totally agree with that but I would like to add to it that sometimes before the delight of his voice calling us comes the fear and the worry that his voice brings... It is a call to prayer! Maybe this quote of St Paul of the Cross is a better one..."The soul whom God wants to draw to deepest union with him by means of holy prayer must pass through the way of sufffering during prayer."
I had just read this quote a few minutes before I began to write and it was just a bit hard for me to understand... now after talking to John it is crystal clear to me and reminds me that much of the time I am at prayers... I am lifting up the needs of myself and my family and all those that are approaching me for needs in their lives...."the way of suffering during prayer." There is a definite element of this suffering that we experienced profoundly in this last 15 months of the cancer/healing journey with our 21 year old son, John... the lack of control we have to help other than prayer! That is all it comes down to, but it is a lot to have as our weapon and our lifeline in the midst of the churning sea around us!
"Stretch every fiber of my being, dear Lord,that I may fly towards you. May your Spirit which once breathed over the chaos of the earth give life to all the powers of my soul." ST Frances Xavier Cabrini
It is so interesting to me that I had read this list of quotes a couple times - last night at work and then before I started sharing today. With this being the month of All Saints Feast day... the Magnificat (see http://www.magnificat.com/ ) has page after page of quotes from many saints of the Church. None of them really grabbed me until I came across the quote by St Benedict that I used for my title today... But with talking to John and revisiting the painful place of the last year and how it "stretched" us as on the rack of pain... yet it allowed our souls to fly to Him as that was the only place where we could find peace and comfort in the midst of the chaos! So many of the quotes are coming to me now... when viewed through the pain and suffering of our cross - cancer!
I was driving home this morning with the Christian radio station on loudly to keep me awake after working the night... They were talking about the 33 miners that were rescued after 2 months underground trapped under 1/4 mile of rock! The youngest a 19 year old told the world that there were actually 34 down there... Christ was with them! He said that there was a reason for him spending the last 2 months of his life experiencing this hard thing and he is changed as a result. The announcers were exclaiming how wonderful this was for him and the world to realize..."Don't lose sight of how close you are to the Lord at the difficult times of your lives... always hold onto that and don't let it fade away with the distractions of life!" this was shared with great force and enthusiasm by the lady announcer, and it is so true!
"May your faith be increased so as to realize the fact that you are never alone, whatsoever you may be, that the Great God is with you, in you." St Katherine Drexel
The element of suffering and placing all our fears in the Lord's hands certainly is bringing to life all of these amazing quotes by the saints for me. As I was reading them last night, I was a bit disaappointed in them, and thought that they could have found more powerful things that these amazing men and women said... the true lack of power was that I was not reading them through the Cross!
Last spring this adorable crowned sparrow could not get enough of Our Lady of the deck!
I would like to share a story of in keeping with this idea of how Life is brought into our faith and our reading of the Word of God! Almost 2 years ago my husband had attended a prayer group we attend now and then without me. He came home saying that when they were sharing he had decided that he didn't really feel that the Word of God really meant that much to him and that he had a prayer that the scriptures could come to life for him. This realization made him a bit down about his faith life, I could tell.
WE worked a retreat together a few weeks later, and on the last day there was an incident that hurt Pat's feeling so deeply! He came home so hurt and unhappy and he just couldn't seem to get past it! On the morning of the 3rd day after being up and walking the winter landscape in the middle of the night in the light of the full moon - as he was unable to sleep... We sat in front of the woodstove - it was January - and read our morning prayers. Wednesday morning week II - Psalm 77
"I cry aloud to God,
cry aloud to God that he may hear me.
In the day of my distress I sought the Lord.
My hands were raised at night without ceasing;
my soul refused to be consoled.
I remembered my God and I groaned.
I pondered and my spirit fainted.
"You withheld sleep from my eyes.
I was troubled, I could not speak.
I thought of the days of long ago
and remembered the years long past.
At night I mused within my heart.
I pondered and my spirit questioned.
"Will the Lord reject us forever?
Will he show us his favor no more?
Has his love vanished for ever?
Has his promise come to an end?
Does God forget his mercy
or in anger withhold his compassion?"
We are reading this and the amazement of how it is describing of what we had been experiencing is just like a thunder bolt! "Pat do you hear what this is describing? It is just what you have been going through the last few days... remember that you asked the Lord to bring the scriptures for life for you? Do you see that this was all about answering that prayer that the scriptures come alive for you?" It was like an instant healing for Pat! He could see that none of this had to do with any of those that he thought had hurt him, but that it was the Lord answering his heartfelt prayers!
Then we read the next verses from I Samuel 2
"He raises the needy from the dust;
from the ash heap he lifts up the poor..."
Pat just howled with delight that the Word was alive for him, but it took such excrusiating suffering for that to happen! It all made total sense to him and I,and we were so in awe of the closeness we felt to God at that moment and forward! Pat had such a deep unquenshable thirst for the words of scripture! I had borrowed a subscription to the Magnificat from my dad and ordered it for me...when it arrived Pat was absolutely thrilled with how easy it was to read and share morning and evening prayer as well as the readings for the day! This is the true beginning of something that I had prayed and hoped for in our marriage for all these years... that we could pray together! So it was an answer to my prayers too!
This was horrible for us to go through, but it was an amazing miraculous answer to both of our heartfelt prayers...we are still basking in the results of the Lord touching us so personally and closely! It was such a powerful moment and continues to be that way! With the times of crazy busyness like now...the times have to be found with great effort, but we are blessed when we can connect and share in this way... the Gospel is always huge as a result of having the Community of the Lamb - Susan/Hallel's order - now in our lives! WE finish evening prayer and with great anticipation and joy go to read the Gospel for the next day - knowing that Hallel and her community start then "chewing" the Gospel to take it in and to become the Word of God - Jesus to the world!
The reading from this Wednesday morning prayer that changed our lives.... "Who will seperate us from the love of Christ? Trail, or distress, or persecution, or hunger, or nakedness, or danger, or the sword? As scripture says: 'For your sake we are being slain all the day long; we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.' Yet in all this we are more than conquerors because of him who has loved us. For I am certain that neither death nor life, neither angels nor pricipalities, neither the present nor the future, nor powers, neither height nor depth nor any other creature, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that comes to us from Christ Jesus, our Lord." Romans 8: 35-39
And after all of this we had been through and also in this last year and all the hard things that have been a part of it... we realize that other than seperating us from God... they bring us so close that we can say that he is holding us in his arms and close to His Heart burning with endless love for us!
As I have been writing this... I have been talking to John a few times and his dad and sister about this new "issue." We hope and pray that it is nothing, but still need to cling to Him united in prayer of hope and trust! Once again this quote by St Pio is speaking to me deeply;
"If the soul longs for nothing else than to love its God, then don't worry and be quite sure that this soul possesses everything, that it possesses God himself." Thank you for these comforting words, Dear Lord! How I do long to love you and to serve you and to trust without fear that you are in control!
Mary and Simon playing recieving communion with Easter jelly beans!
Jesus,thank you for the reminder of how much you were with us over this journey of cancer/healing! WE continue to reap the fruits of this cross that we have embraced and found life and love! You bring to life all the pain and need for prayer each and every person in this world is "blessed" with! Those times of trial and pain bring us to LIFE! Help us to embrace that full heartedly and to always... say with heartfelt conviction and knowledge -"Jesus, I trust in you." St Faustina...Amen and Halleluia!
Bless-bless, Barb
"O Mary, Mother of Sorrows, I am the child of your sorrows. My tender Mother, here is your child, who can do more. Have pity on me." St Bernadette Soubirous
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